Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
Sunday, 20 December 2009
The Worse Christmas gift...
The Worse Christmas gift I can remember being given is also the funniest Christmas gift I can remember ever given, but I need to set the scene for you.
My MIL and her husband are what one might call old fashioned. My MIL seems to be oblivious to a lot of the world, or at least the bit where slang terms originate from. I can not say I possess that quality myself and I have taken much delight in the past from being very naughty whilst in her home and using some phrases that may or may not have a double meaning... so far I haven't been caught by anyone other than my BIL who quietly smirked whilst sitting on the sofa and indeed joined in with this new game.
Now the year before last we went round to her home early on Christmas morning, (she goes to Church with her husband for the Christmas Day Morning Service and so we need to be there pre 8:30am). It isn't a pretty sight. I need breakfast and some time to wake up so I can be on top form mentally to think up my double entendres and the such and at 8:30am on Christmas Day I am still thinking about sugar plums dancing because I normally end up staying up to 2am on Christmas Eve trying to catch Santa.
So we were handing out gifts and I was sitting on the sofa in the corner trying to smile away the hangover "without-having-drunk-any-alcohol" feeling I had. My MIL then handed me my gift and I unwrapped it whilst wondering what delights were in store for me this year.
Inside was an apron.
But that wasn't the worst part. I would of quite liked a new apron.
The apron had a picture of a topiary tree on it and the phrase "Keep your bush neat and tidy" and it was positioned in such a way that the Double entendre of the phrase was quite obvious.
I laughed. I thought that it was funny. Although I did want to know why my garden was being questioned by my MIL and an apron.
My MIL looked at me with a look of relief.
"I'm glad that you think it is funny, I was worried you would be offended!" she offered
"No I think it is funny!" I said passing the apron to Daddy and thinking my little game would have to stop.
It was two days later that Daddy got a text message from his Mother, asking him to apologise to me on her behalf. She had just found out what the apron meant from her more worldly in matters such as these husband...
So I could never wear the apron again knowing that the apron had been given in more innocence than it first seemed.... at least I can keep playing my game when we go round!
Now let me hear the worst of your gifts!
My MIL and her husband are what one might call old fashioned. My MIL seems to be oblivious to a lot of the world, or at least the bit where slang terms originate from. I can not say I possess that quality myself and I have taken much delight in the past from being very naughty whilst in her home and using some phrases that may or may not have a double meaning... so far I haven't been caught by anyone other than my BIL who quietly smirked whilst sitting on the sofa and indeed joined in with this new game.
Now the year before last we went round to her home early on Christmas morning, (she goes to Church with her husband for the Christmas Day Morning Service and so we need to be there pre 8:30am). It isn't a pretty sight. I need breakfast and some time to wake up so I can be on top form mentally to think up my double entendres and the such and at 8:30am on Christmas Day I am still thinking about sugar plums dancing because I normally end up staying up to 2am on Christmas Eve trying to catch Santa.
So we were handing out gifts and I was sitting on the sofa in the corner trying to smile away the hangover "without-having-drunk-any-alcohol" feeling I had. My MIL then handed me my gift and I unwrapped it whilst wondering what delights were in store for me this year.
Inside was an apron.
But that wasn't the worst part. I would of quite liked a new apron.
The apron had a picture of a topiary tree on it and the phrase "Keep your bush neat and tidy" and it was positioned in such a way that the Double entendre of the phrase was quite obvious.
I laughed. I thought that it was funny. Although I did want to know why my garden was being questioned by my MIL and an apron.
My MIL looked at me with a look of relief.
"I'm glad that you think it is funny, I was worried you would be offended!" she offered
"No I think it is funny!" I said passing the apron to Daddy and thinking my little game would have to stop.
It was two days later that Daddy got a text message from his Mother, asking him to apologise to me on her behalf. She had just found out what the apron meant from her more worldly in matters such as these husband...
So I could never wear the apron again knowing that the apron had been given in more innocence than it first seemed.... at least I can keep playing my game when we go round!
Now let me hear the worst of your gifts!
Friday, 2 October 2009
It's in my Genes!
Something has happened that has made me feel quite proud; Especially as I didn't set out to do it... I'm a cool and fun parent, and it isn't just me and my kids who think it!
Look me being cool at ten past Midnight!
I think there must be a cool/fun parent gene as my parents were cool and from tales I have been told I think both my parents, parents were "cool" too. There are two events which stand out as being the height of cool.
The first is the Christmas my parents cleared it with my friends parents, without my friends knowing, that they could have some eggnog as part of our little party. My friends were all about the alcohol, even at the tender age of ten. The second was a sleepover my sister had where they were allowed to watch a "horror" movie (I think it was The Lost Boys). At the time my parents were renovating and there was a 4 inch gap between the ceiling and a non supporting wall. My parents standing on chairs caused more screams that night from the group of girls than a group of girls at an East17 concert...
It all started because once a week (on a Friday) Top Ender, Baby Boy and I curl up on the sofa after a special dinner of Pizza and curly fries (well I eat the pizza, they eat both the pizza and fries) and watch a movie together.
The first is the Christmas my parents cleared it with my friends parents, without my friends knowing, that they could have some eggnog as part of our little party. My friends were all about the alcohol, even at the tender age of ten. The second was a sleepover my sister had where they were allowed to watch a "horror" movie (I think it was The Lost Boys). At the time my parents were renovating and there was a 4 inch gap between the ceiling and a non supporting wall. My parents standing on chairs caused more screams that night from the group of girls than a group of girls at an East17 concert...
It all started because once a week (on a Friday) Top Ender, Baby Boy and I curl up on the sofa after a special dinner of Pizza and curly fries (well I eat the pizza, they eat both the pizza and fries) and watch a movie together.
We call it Mummy-Daughter-Son Date Night.
This week we will be able to snuggle under our Slanket, thanks to my photo of me with Baby Boys PJ's on my head, but that is a story for another day. I will also have to rescue said Slanket from Top Enders bed. I haven't had a look in since she opened the parcel.
Anyway, back to the original story. One of Top Enders classmates (lets call him Ernie as he is an earnest little chap) has managed to wangle an invite to one of these nights in the near future after hearing Top Ender and I talk about it after school.
"You mean you eat chips and pizza and have sweets every week?" Ernie asked
"Yes" I said
"And you watch a film instead of your programmes?" Ernie asked
"Yes" I said
"And Top Ender gets to stay up late?" Ernie asked
"Yes" I said
"Can I come to one???" Ernie asked
"We can see if we can arrange something with Mummy" I said
His Mum (High Heels Mum) has already told me that she is often told "Top Enders Mum this...", and "Top Enders Mum that..." and that the Christmas gifts that Top Ender gave out last year (home made shaped chocolate and lolly pops) were talked about until about Easter, so it seems that hearing about our nights in was the icing on the cake for him.
You have to admit this is pretty good icing on a cake!
I know that I previously talked about things to do on a small budget here which are things that I think are cool and in the next few days you are going to be treated to the places to eat on a small budget post, which I know Top Ender thinks is cool, but I think that I am going to have to start seriously thinking of cool things for me and the family to do... I can't lose my status now can I!
Wednesday, 25 February 2009
Top Ender Giggles - If it smells like a Rose...
Yesterday Top Ender, Baby Boy, Daddy and I went to the hospital so that some tests could be run on Top Ender and Baby Boy due to the just found out risk of a genetic heart defect in my extended family.
Whilst we were waiting Top Ender found some play food in the play kitchen and soon was busy making dinner for Daddy, Baby Boy and me. She found several different foods including one we could decide on; it was either a cucumber or a courgette.
"I know!" she suddenly exclaimed to the surprise of the Hospital Nursery worker and Daddy.
"How's that then?" I asked
"Sniff it." With which she did. "Yup doesn't smell like cucumber so must be courgette."
Whilst we were waiting Top Ender found some play food in the play kitchen and soon was busy making dinner for Daddy, Baby Boy and me. She found several different foods including one we could decide on; it was either a cucumber or a courgette.
"I know!" she suddenly exclaimed to the surprise of the Hospital Nursery worker and Daddy.
"How's that then?" I asked
"Sniff it." With which she did. "Yup doesn't smell like cucumber so must be courgette."
Top Ender Giggles - They make it difficult
Top Ender reported back that during the Morning yesterday she had a vision and hearing test at school. I asked her how it was, was it difficult that sort of thing to which she replied;
"No it wasn't too hard. They make it difficult though!"
"Do they? How?"
"Well when you read the letters on the line they get smaller as they go along!"
"Imagine that!"
"Yeah and I didn't hear some of the sounds as they were too quiet!"
"Well yes that would be a reason for not hearing them"
"They should just keep the letters big and the noises loud and then there would be no problem"
Well there is a sense in this I suppose!
"No it wasn't too hard. They make it difficult though!"
"Do they? How?"
"Well when you read the letters on the line they get smaller as they go along!"
"Imagine that!"
"Yeah and I didn't hear some of the sounds as they were too quiet!"
"Well yes that would be a reason for not hearing them"
"They should just keep the letters big and the noises loud and then there would be no problem"
Well there is a sense in this I suppose!
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
Top Ender Giggles - Breakfast is da dope!
Daddy reported it back to me last night that when Baby Boy was downstairs with me yesterday morning and he was helping Top Ender to get dressed they were discussing breakfast.
"Daddy will you make me breakfast instead of Mummy?"
"Sure, whys that though?"
"Mummy said she would give me weed for breakfast."
"Weed?"
"Yes. She has given it to me before when you weren't here"
At this point Daddy was a little confused and was trying to work out what on earth she meant as he was pretty sure that I am against drugs and wouldn't be supplying our daughter! He must of looked confused as Top Ender started to elaborate.
"She said it was shredded weed"
"Shredded weed?"
"Yes and she said that cousin likes it too"
"Top Ender do you mean Shredded Wheat?"
"Oh! Yes wheat"
"Daddy will you make me breakfast instead of Mummy?"
"Sure, whys that though?"
"Mummy said she would give me weed for breakfast."
"Weed?"
"Yes. She has given it to me before when you weren't here"
At this point Daddy was a little confused and was trying to work out what on earth she meant as he was pretty sure that I am against drugs and wouldn't be supplying our daughter! He must of looked confused as Top Ender started to elaborate.
"She said it was shredded weed"
"Shredded weed?"
"Yes and she said that cousin likes it too"
"Top Ender do you mean Shredded Wheat?"
"Oh! Yes wheat"
Monday, 2 February 2009
Baby Boy Giggles - New Wonderbra Advert
Just a quick one liner from Baby Boy.
Whilst walking round doing the shopping he was sat in the Trolley and kept telling Daddy "Hiya Dada!" and when he spotted me he decided to shout Hello to me too at the top of his lungs and so he screached "Hello Boobs!"
Many amused looks and small titters (Ha!) from other shoppers surrounding us.
Whilst walking round doing the shopping he was sat in the Trolley and kept telling Daddy "Hiya Dada!" and when he spotted me he decided to shout Hello to me too at the top of his lungs and so he screached "Hello Boobs!"
Many amused looks and small titters (Ha!) from other shoppers surrounding us.
Saturday, 31 January 2009
Top Enders very own Soap Opera
Top Ender has a great imagination. Sometimes she says things that have me wondering where on earth she got the initial seed of an idea from so that it could develop in to the scenario she is involved in. Just last week as we were walking home from the local shop she was telling me about her divorce from her invisible husband.
Turns out that they were going to his Grandmothers second wedding, and were all dressed up when he jumped in a puddle covering them both in dirty water which ruined the clothes they were wearing. She told him that that wasn't nice to which he replied huh and blew a raspberry and told her if she felt like that then they should get a divorce... and so they did.
Today however he seems to have won her back over as Baby Boy and I were invited to their wedding. We had to sit in the living room and wait for his family to arrive and to save money Top Ender did her own makeup, but got me to do her hair. They decided to have a sit down meal instead of a party and luckily nothing has happened yet to spoil the bliss of married life, but her father in law is drinking a bit much so might start something later.
Turns out that they were going to his Grandmothers second wedding, and were all dressed up when he jumped in a puddle covering them both in dirty water which ruined the clothes they were wearing. She told him that that wasn't nice to which he replied huh and blew a raspberry and told her if she felt like that then they should get a divorce... and so they did.
Today however he seems to have won her back over as Baby Boy and I were invited to their wedding. We had to sit in the living room and wait for his family to arrive and to save money Top Ender did her own makeup, but got me to do her hair. They decided to have a sit down meal instead of a party and luckily nothing has happened yet to spoil the bliss of married life, but her father in law is drinking a bit much so might start something later.
Thursday, 29 January 2009
Baby Boy Giggles - Insult or compliment?
Yesterday we went to Ikea to meet my Sister, Cousin and Baby Cousin and our Mother for a "treat" in the cafe.
Baby Boy was sitting opposite my Sister who was breast feeding Baby Cousin (nearly six weeks old). Baby Boy looked as Sister and shouted "Boob!" and then went back to eating his fruit slices and staring at a couple of women deep in conversation at the next table.
Baby Boy was sitting opposite my Sister who was breast feeding Baby Cousin (nearly six weeks old). Baby Boy looked as Sister and shouted "Boob!" and then went back to eating his fruit slices and staring at a couple of women deep in conversation at the next table.
Baby Boy for Show and Tell
Baby Boy has started crawling as a method of getting from one piece of furniture he can cruise along to another. This has caused great delight from Top Ender who shrieks with delight "He's crawling again!" as if she someone how imagines he will have forgotten how to do it overnight.
She wanted to take him in for show and tell today to show that he could crawl, but thinking on the subject decided that it was probably a bad idea as he would crawl out of the show and tell drawer under the teachers chair and cause problems in the classroom with the other children!
She wanted to take him in for show and tell today to show that he could crawl, but thinking on the subject decided that it was probably a bad idea as he would crawl out of the show and tell drawer under the teachers chair and cause problems in the classroom with the other children!
Thursday, 22 January 2009
Top Ender Giggles - Not an option
We went to the Doctors at the start of the week as a second cousin of mine has discovered that she has a heart problem, which is apparently heriditry. This means that me or Top Ender or Baby Boy could have it too.
Whilst we were sitting listening to the Doctor typing away on the keyboard writting a letter to a consultant or two about this Top Ender whispered in my ear, If you come to my funeral make sure they know not to burn me. I don't want that.
We went to my Gran's funeral last week and she was cremated, so I think that she was adding all the information she had up and getting the worse case scenario.
Whilst we were sitting listening to the Doctor typing away on the keyboard writting a letter to a consultant or two about this Top Ender whispered in my ear, If you come to my funeral make sure they know not to burn me. I don't want that.
We went to my Gran's funeral last week and she was cremated, so I think that she was adding all the information she had up and getting the worse case scenario.
Wednesday, 11 June 2008
Top Ender Giggles - Sage advice
Last night I took Baby Boy up to have his last feed of the night (well before I went to sleep!) and for me to get ready for bed too. Top Ender was downstairs with Daddy watching a cartoon before it was time for her to go to bed. Suddenly she appeared in the bedroom to announce;
"You should do something that you don't do"
Thinking that she meant something like not tell her off I half heartedly said "Whats that?"
"Dye your hair... It would make it glossy and shiny!"
"You should do something that you don't do"
Thinking that she meant something like not tell her off I half heartedly said "Whats that?"
"Dye your hair... It would make it glossy and shiny!"
Thursday, 5 June 2008
Welcome Baby Boy
So Baby Boy made his entrance to the world on the 15th May, and quite honestly I don't know who is prouder out of Daddy, Top Ender and me.
Already he is three weeks old, has given all of us a smile and a coo and has driven all other thoughts from our minds! Daddy is having an hour alone with Baby Boy every morning after he wakes up for his first feed of the day he likes to look around so Daddy takes him downstairs so I can have an hours uninterrupted sleep.
Top Ender keeps helping (of which I am so proud) and tells everyone that he doesn't wake her in the night (which I am even prouder of!) and keeps looking in catalogues to see what she can buy for them to share (at the moment it is swing sets) so I think I have worked out her angle!
Already he is three weeks old, has given all of us a smile and a coo and has driven all other thoughts from our minds! Daddy is having an hour alone with Baby Boy every morning after he wakes up for his first feed of the day he likes to look around so Daddy takes him downstairs so I can have an hours uninterrupted sleep.
Top Ender keeps helping (of which I am so proud) and tells everyone that he doesn't wake her in the night (which I am even prouder of!) and keeps looking in catalogues to see what she can buy for them to share (at the moment it is swing sets) so I think I have worked out her angle!
Monday, 12 May 2008
Top Ender Giggles - Semi-naked Swinging
Last night Daddy remembered where the bolts were for Top Enders swing.
Top Ender was getting dry as she had just got out the bath and so I was helping put the swing together.
Top Ender suddenly appeared at the back door wearing her towel (the ones which go over your child's head) and her shoes and asked;
"Is it okay if I have just one quick swing?"
I didn't really want to say Yes but she looked so cute, and had put shoes on so I did say Yes. She ran out got on the swing and had one quick swing before coming back in.
This morning before eating breakfast she was out again, in her PJ's and shoes swinging on the swing. It appears that absence really does make the heart really does grow fonder!
Top Ender was getting dry as she had just got out the bath and so I was helping put the swing together.
Top Ender suddenly appeared at the back door wearing her towel (the ones which go over your child's head) and her shoes and asked;
"Is it okay if I have just one quick swing?"
I didn't really want to say Yes but she looked so cute, and had put shoes on so I did say Yes. She ran out got on the swing and had one quick swing before coming back in.
This morning before eating breakfast she was out again, in her PJ's and shoes swinging on the swing. It appears that absence really does make the heart really does grow fonder!
Friday, 2 May 2008
Top Ender Giggles - Early Birthday Gift
Top Ender came in to mine and Daddy's room this morning as Daddy had already wished me a Happy Birthday we figured that Top Ender was going to do the same as all of yesterday (Granny's Birthday) she wanted it to be today so she could eat the chocolate cake we made together for me.
Instead she gave me a hug and said;
"It is a very early gift for your Birthday Mummy"
"What makes it an early gift?!"
"Because it is only just past night time!"
Well I suppose technically she was right!
Instead she gave me a hug and said;
"It is a very early gift for your Birthday Mummy"
"What makes it an early gift?!"
"Because it is only just past night time!"
Well I suppose technically she was right!
Sunday, 27 April 2008
Top Ender the Fashionista
Top Ender is so much fun. This morning I dressed her in dungarees shorts, pink T-shirt, pink socks and her pink Barbie baseball sneakers. She looked so darned so cute that when she came downstairs Daddy had to take a few pictures.
After a visit from Granny and Sister and Cousin she decided that perhaps being a ballerina fairy was the look to go for. We had to go out and Daddy unusually said she could keep her outfit on... wings and all.
Top Ender went to find the appropriate footwear (pink flip flops) and off we went. Walking from where we parked the car to the shop we were delighted when nearly all of the young children we passed and those of the "older generation" (Eg what I think a Granny should look like, you know with white hair) smiled or passed comment on what a beautiful fairy she was.
Daddy and I looked on proudly realising that our baby is growing up (well she is a Top Ender now!) and we are so very lucky. I just hope that Baby Boy doesn't dress in a tutu and walk around the town... well maybe he can on his stag night!
Friday, 25 April 2008
Top Ender Giggles - Death becomes her
Top Ender is becoming morbid again. I thought we had managed to stop all of this a couple of years ago a few months after my Grandfather had died and I told her that talking about dying all the time made me sad.
Last night she and her Daddy drove past a cemetery.
"What's that?" she asked
"A cemetery" replied Daddy
"Where they bury dead people?"
"Yes"
"Can we go there?"
"Why?"
"So you can read the names to me!"
"There would be a lot, it would take a long time" said Daddy trying to get out of it
"That is okay, there will be a bench half way down that you can rest on and then when you are ready you can read the rest to me."
As long as she doesn't start wearing all black and start wanting us to call her a goth type name we should be fine!
Last night she and her Daddy drove past a cemetery.
"What's that?" she asked
"A cemetery" replied Daddy
"Where they bury dead people?"
"Yes"
"Can we go there?"
"Why?"
"So you can read the names to me!"
"There would be a lot, it would take a long time" said Daddy trying to get out of it
"That is okay, there will be a bench half way down that you can rest on and then when you are ready you can read the rest to me."
As long as she doesn't start wearing all black and start wanting us to call her a goth type name we should be fine!
Wednesday, 23 April 2008
Top Enders Blog
Top Ender now has her own blog. She wanted to know what I did on the computer, and she wanted a diary so I thought we should combine the two!
Top Ender thinks it is great, as I have linked her flickr account to her blog, and so there is a slide show of her pictures at the bottom of her blog!
At the moment she is trying to poke me to get me of the computer so that she can go on her log on... Starting to wonder why we taught her to talk!
Top Ender thinks it is great, as I have linked her flickr account to her blog, and so there is a slide show of her pictures at the bottom of her blog!
At the moment she is trying to poke me to get me of the computer so that she can go on her log on... Starting to wonder why we taught her to talk!
Tuesday, 22 April 2008
Fun with Top Ender
Top Ender and I are spending a lot of time together at the moment as I am on maternity leave. This has meant that with my nesting and a willing pair of hands we have been able to complete a lot of little jobs around the home.
We have baked, scrubbed, sorted, mowed the lawn and done a lot of weeding, cleared out the garage and threw away a lot of rubbish, put most of our new arrivals room together, washed and ironed all the old unisex clothing, sorted the non unisex clothing in to age categories to be passed to my sister or sold on the Internet, gone through Top Enders clothes and underware, gone through Top Enders toys and books and done an awful lot of art and craft projects that have previously sat in the games box waiting for someone to create them!
I am so amazed at her skills, her conversation starters and her stamina! She has told me that she is learning good life skills (who taught her that!) and that together we can make out house beautiful!
We have baked, scrubbed, sorted, mowed the lawn and done a lot of weeding, cleared out the garage and threw away a lot of rubbish, put most of our new arrivals room together, washed and ironed all the old unisex clothing, sorted the non unisex clothing in to age categories to be passed to my sister or sold on the Internet, gone through Top Enders clothes and underware, gone through Top Enders toys and books and done an awful lot of art and craft projects that have previously sat in the games box waiting for someone to create them!
I am so amazed at her skills, her conversation starters and her stamina! She has told me that she is learning good life skills (who taught her that!) and that together we can make out house beautiful!
Friday, 11 April 2008
Top Ender - No longer the Baby
Top Ender is getting excited about Baby Boy nearly being here.
She very kindly suggested we use her old baby things for her baby brother (amazing when subtle comments work!) and has even helped sort through all the old clothes that I kept to pull out all the gender neutral things!
I was amazed to see how much she has grown, obviously I remember that she was once a baby but I forgot how small she was! She was more obsessed with the fact that she had more clothes as a baby than she does now until I explained that babies sometimes need changing several times a day!
She very kindly suggested we use her old baby things for her baby brother (amazing when subtle comments work!) and has even helped sort through all the old clothes that I kept to pull out all the gender neutral things!
I was amazed to see how much she has grown, obviously I remember that she was once a baby but I forgot how small she was! She was more obsessed with the fact that she had more clothes as a baby than she does now until I explained that babies sometimes need changing several times a day!
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